Christmastime Thanks

I'm writing this to the soundtrack of this: 

For some reason, this Christmas Eve has left me really reflective. This song probably isn't helping. 

I never really did a "here's what I'm thankful for" post all about Thanksgiving and family and all that jazz. So, on this Christmas Eve, roughly two hours before a Christmas Eve Service, to the soundtrack of my winter break thus far, I'm going to be THANKFUL.

I'm thankful for naps, and a warm cuddly Theo.

I'm thankful for my family; whether I openly show it. (I promise I'll work on that!)

I'm thankful for these girls, and their joy for life that they bring. Continue that ladies, you can do anything. 

<3

I'm thankful for some boys too...

(However : These boys don't take group pictures. Which is ridiculous. And that means that I'm not going to hunt through a gillion pictures to find them. They know who they are, and honestly, there's like... four of you. Maybe more. Definitely at least four.) 

I'm thankful that I got to love her. 

I'm thankful for Frank Sinatra, Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald etc. 

No picture needed. 

I'm thankful for "Singin' in the Rain". More than anyone can imagine.

I'm thankful that I'm still alive and kickin'. That I'm excited to be alive. That I've found hope, and reason to be here, even when I want to cry. 

I think that Christmas tomorrow will go well. Because, finally the stress of things is fading away, and leaving all of us frozen, but happy. It's all very fun. 

This is why I love Christmastime. Not for this morning's stress, whip-cracking clean up, follow the list, go, go, go; but for the lazing, and good smells, and AH. The fact that it snowed, and that the feeling of giving, of love, of joy is starting to become apparent. 

Merry Christmas!

Remember how I put this down as my senior year song? I came across this video admittedly a while ago, but I was waiting for that moment when it seemed wholly appropriate to re-introduce excitement and happiness. (And come on. This man is just too funny.) I was talking to a friend last night who told me that I need to let go, jump and be naked. Metaphoric nudity. I promise. The whole concept of putting myself out there is something I honestly don't love. I'm critical of what others think of me, so I hold myself back. While it's not the most admirable quality out there, it could be considered a filter of really awkward and stupid moments. 

Anywho, I decided this morning that I wanted to wear heels, because heels are confidence boosters. Have a test you're sure your going to fail? Heels. Going to see an ex-boyfriend at a party? Heels. Feeling fat and lazy after the winter holiday? Heels. Heels are my super power in man made form, and you know what? I rocked them. So much that my bootie muscles are a tad sore. hahaha. Not that you REALLY cared about that fact. If I could feel how I've felt today, goodness, I would be one of the happiest people on the planet. 

Things to Be Grateful For: 

Heels.

Nylons.

Bright colored cardigans.

Attention seeking kitties.

"Aren't you Don Lockwood?"

My art turning out okay.

Government tests coming back with A-'s on them.

Finding my french book.

Bagels and Boggle.

Christmas.

The Direction College kids are home.

Nutella.

"Foofing" my hair.

Feeling pretty.

Being told that I looked pretty.

Getting waved at by my favorite man ever.

[reward] COFFEE.

So, the lesson here? Wear your heels, because magic happens when you do. Oh! and stick yourself out there.    You wouldn't believe the difference it makes. 

Happy Holiday's everyone!

(YAY. It's almost Christmastime.) 

What's the floaty stuff falling from the sky?

Snow.
Something that should really happen after Thanksgiving if we're honest. Currently, it should be blue skies, wind chill and orange leaves.

But that's alright. Snow means indie pictures coming from impromptu photoshoots.

I love this time of year.

Why did Antarctica become my roommate?!

Once upon a time,I don't know if it's the biting cold windchill that Spoland that has been having as of late, or if it's the fact that I've become more productive over the last few days, of if I'm just still not totally feeling up to par, but it's been a rather slow last few days. Because of this, I understand why Wednesday's are called "Hump Days". As much as I love this time of year, with all the warm sweaters coming out, and the nifty mass of extra days off here and there, and the winter dance around the corner, and the start of something new on stage, I'm tired and done. I just have this urge to throw a fit until someone wants to cuddle me and keep me warm. [Hey. Theo does this and it works out for in fantastically. (Bad parenting? Maybe.)] It's just been a loooong, cold week so far, and I just can't wait until that holiday joy is back. Unfortunately, I think that won't set in for another couple weeks. Thanksgiving/Girls night's much?

My house is also like Antarctica. So if anyone wants to show up at my house with a bathtub of hot water -- You'd be my angel. I'd love you forever and always. So, note to self for adult life? Always have a back up plan. What if my water heater, and air heater both die? Have an over abundance of lady friends who love you, because I'm minorly screwed having out with mostly boys. Hooray for looking gross tomorrow. There's no way i'm cleaning out my car tonight. Nuhuh. That's for after school tomorrow when the sun is still out. A baby amount of warmth. So cold. (It also looks like we moved out. All the drapes are shut and will never seemingly open again.

And this is because I feel like someone else needs to be able to lay on my basement floor in a puddle of Adam Levine wonder with me :

This song is my whole life right now. Absolutely no doubts.

In other news, how do you ask someone for a pep talk?

A Little Bit of Florence...

Say my name,

And every color illuminates.

We are shining,

And we'll never be afraid again.

-- Spectrum (Florence and the Machine)

This CD could not have come at a more opportune time. Who doesn't love intense melodies with one of the most fantastic singers that I (it's an opinion) have ever heard. If anything, you'll have spent your four minutes listening to quality music. 

Am I pushing for Florence? Yes.

Why? Because she's interesting. 

And it adds for an interesting soundtrack to cleaning your room. Yes'm.

WHOOOOO

It's called getting into college. Hello, the rest of my life.

The way to pump up a low day.

GO RED.

Of October

I should have done this post sooner, seeing as, as of October 1st, it's Down Syndrome Awareness Month. This picture is also so darn'd cute and has pumpkins in it celebrating the fact that it's basically Halloween. Every time I see a down syndrome person (is that correct?), my heart melts just a little bit.

This makes me super excited to start learning about art therapy, because I think working with kids like her, and mental retardation, and other mental illness', I really feel I can make a difference. I need to make a difference in my life, I just wasn't blessed with tough skins to put me in the seriously depressing jobs.

If I could do anything with my life, I want to save someone.
I want to be that person someone looks at and just knows things will be okay.
I want to have the knowledge and ability to fully help someone.
But, I want to be happy at the end of the day as well.
So, here's to hoping that art therapy won't grind me down.

Art education is my only backup.

On another October note...

Dracula opens in one week, six days.



Grr. Face of thy brother on the poster.
Blood, blood, blood.

Hopefully, tomorrows lack there of, of jobs is fixed. I really haven't a clue as to what we're doing tomorrow. Which is awesome. Because, Mike won't be there.
I'm already tired, and not really looking forward to the show. Though, I can't wait to sit and get cues. That's next week. And I cannot wait.

Dracula's been an interesting show. And it's nice not to be in on the center ring of the drama. Luckily, I've already had my experience being there and I want nothing more than to stay faaaaaaarrrrr away from it.

I don't know how I feel about the first show ending here in the next couple weeks. A third of the way done with my senior year. That hasn't totally hit me yet, and I'm secretly hoping that it never hits me. I don't want it to hit me until seemingly appropriate.

Alright. I should actually do some homework. You know, lengthen a poem that got some serious approval from Ms. Riddle. Touch up some of my work on the drawing that is my abstract representation of my life. No big deal.

It's a Rainy Day in Spoland.

Spoland has been rainy.
And I've found that I've absolutely loved it.
Maybe not all the brr cold inside the school, but the rain shows that it's a change in seasons, and all the beauty of summer, I have to let go.
It was never meant for me.

I'm excited for autumn.
The show.
The pictures to come.
Its amazing, senior year.
You learn a lot about yourself.
And, as of yesterday, I've been in school for a month.
It seems strange.
It's thrilling to feel like I have a slight hold on this life thing.

And until I have complete hold, I can always go dance in the rain.

Because. Sometimes, I forget.

So Happy, I Could Jump Out of a Wall!

Despite how slightly creeping this is, The end result has been my whole night.
Just so everyone knows just how much of a freak inside I am.
WHOO.

Happy, happy, happy.

Live and Learn

Amen, quote, amen,
Live and learn.

Here we go.

Basically. When I get really happy/ excited I start saying silly, random phrases. And tomorrow will not be the exception. I'm not expecting any change. At all.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of the end of my childhood. That's a large spoonful of life for me to swallow. When you're in middle school, and they start giving you the tests about your future career, being an adult seems so far away. Lightyears away.

But here I am. Standing at the starting line, the gun goes off at eleven thirty ish tomorrow; and I will continue to run until eleven o'clock on the ninth of May. Hello Adulthood.

Okay. Let's take a breath. That's always a safe start.

So between loving the grass, this has become my song. Which is awesome. [happy birthday freddie mercury.]

Magic, I tell you.
Magic.

Harry Potter. There's a little of them in each of us.

Harry Potter: Life by characters

Harry Potter- Tell about a scar on your body.

I have a couple fun ones that I could talk about, between my lip and the one on my hand. The one on my lip was from a overly peppy mutt, and my mistake of bending over to pet it, and it became this, "oh hello there. I'm glad your teeth just went through my mouth. Awesome." 

My hand's scar was thanks to a friend and a hanger. But, it's probably my favorite scar. It's just in the best spot. 

Ron Weasley- Something you’re afraid of.

Failure and Rejection. Always have, probably always will be. Let's be honest. 

Hermione Granger- A subject you know a lot about.

Treatment of women in third world countries. Yay summer reading. 

Draco Malfoy- Closest green item to you.

Ironically, it's my lego Draco Malfoy's uniform :D WIN. 

Severus Snape- Your favorite Alcoholic beverage.

Not quite there yet, but I have been told that I'm just going to be a fruity drink girl. I'm betting that they're right. 

Rubeus Hagrid- Your favorite animal.

I've had this recent fascination with the Malayan Tapir, ever since we saw them at the zoo. Like. Sleeping right up on the glass. They were HUGE! Blew. My. Mind.

Luna Lovegood- Something about you other people find weird.

This fear of semi's I have. I really can't be near them. I'm trying to think of something else that just screams weird about me. I like to dance and lot, and sing.

OH! I read a science magazine while playing kickball. Got some names thrown at me, but really, I'm just super disappointed that I didn't get to finish this really awesome article. 

Neville Longbottom- Your favorite flower.

Orchids. 

Fred and George Weasley- The last prank you pulled on someone, or someone pulled on you.

I'm sure I've done something to my sister recently, I just can't remember it. 

Voldemort- If you were to make a Horcrux, it would be…

My 'J' necklace. 

Moaning Myrtle- The last thing to make you cry.

On a happy note... "I have an epiphany about Alex Slate."

On a sad note... Frustrated period related tears. YAY TIME OF THE MONTH. 

Sirius Black- Have you ever taken the blame for something you didn’t do?

Yep. It's life. It happens. 

Dobby- What is your most loved article of clothing?

My blue plaid man shirt. ftw. 

Sybill Trelawney- When was the last time you experienced Deja Vu?

Last memorable time was last summer. But that was more out of body if anything.

Lily Potter- Is there anyone you love so much you would die for?

My family. 

Filius Flitwick- What is your favorite spell from the Harry Potter series?

Accio. I'd use it all the time.

Arthur Weasley- What piece of “Muggle” technology fascinates you most?

The microwave. So. Many. Features. 

Mundungus Fletcher- Have you ever stolen anything?

Nope. 

Viktor Krum- If you were a Quidditch player, what position would you play?

Chaser. 

Fleur Delacour- What physical attribute do you like most about yourself?

My eyes. 

Hedwig- What was your all-time favorite pet, or, if you’ve never had one, your all-time favorite birthday gift.

Putter, she'll be my best friend forever and always. 

Albus Dumbledore- What is your proudest accomplishment?

Making it into the musical. Buttttt getting in accepted into college will trump it when (and if) that happens. 

HIT BY A TRAIN

Wow. Talk about hitting a wall.
Senior year is going to be interesting. And super fun.
I'm completely wiped.
I'll find something super fancy, and we'll tomorrow, ya'll. Alrighty?

Fist Pumpin' Like a Champ

BAHAHAHAHA.

Schools starting next week, but there's still time to let the last bit of summer resonate with Huck Finn on tape, and the el Jersey Shore.

One week!

Because We ARE All Human.

So many good things about this video. Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Barbara Walters, This Changed Me.

   

Several weeks ago, my family bonded over a "What Would You Do?" episode. Of course, every Friday night  after that is 20/20, which I really don't usually stick around to watch. But that weekend, Barbara Walters covered a special called '7 Going on 70'. These girls have Progeria.

And as the special showed these two just darling pictured girls, and an older one who lives in the U.K, it really made me evaluate my life. Because, these girls have SO much life in them. They don't let life stop them, they don't slow down, and they're happy. They know that they are different, but they've accepted it, and the challenges that life brings them.

This episode left me with a smile of my face, and the greater need to give. These girls are simply so incredible, and the little joys they experience every single day, make me want to change my perspective. How can these girls, have such an impact on me?

They live their lives beautifully.

IF you want to check on the show, you can click ... HERE
More about Progeria?

Happy Meals.

After so much happy yesterday, I went into this hollow shell mentality. But I was able to finish one of my AP reading books. It was tres fabulous. 

Because I really don't feel like writing to much, I'm leaving you with this video. Which really moved me the first time that I saw it. You really can't stop helping out people, can't ever stop being a shoulder. 

I'm Never Doing This Again. (lies).

Awkward Moment Here.

I rode my first roller coasters ever today. Yes, at seventeen years old.

Let's be honest, the feeling of flying our of your seat, and your stomach flying up through your neck isn't really my thing. Like, at all. But three rides later, with three of the best people ever to go with, I'm still in one piece, writing to you.

If it wasn't for them I don't really know of I ever would have walked up those dreaded steps, and buckled myself in for such a memorable part of my life.

Now, the video linked above just made me laugh, and there's a part where one of the guys said that he was never doing this again. I said that three times. I only ended up meaning it once.

Thank you everyone, and if this was an oober personal life blog, I would tell you all everything that it meant to me that is to be said. But I won't. Some of the most beautiful things are kept under the radar. And those are my feelings for you.

Twinsies!

One Second, MOVE

MOVE

Do me a favor a seriously watch this video.
MOVE is important to me.
Basically, this guy captured one second from his adventures all over the darned world. And it's incredible. I'm in complete awe every single time I see it. In fact.... I think I'll go watch it again.

Ahhhh.  : )

I've started trying to live by a motto that's something along the lines of, "Hey you. Life never stops, why should you?" And everytime I curl up in a little ball to cry myself to sleep, I repeat this and question the reason for my sorrows. Is it even worth it all?

No, not really. I value tears. I cry at everything. If you didn't know that about me... obviously we haven't watched many movies together.

Because... I tend to be seriously emotional. I put way to much of my heart in just about everything I do, and it tends to break me down the moment I get frazzled. This is why I've made the "Don't Stop Moving" business important to me.

I like to go back and relive things. I like to recite my old poetry and stick myself back into that moment, and go and read reallllly old diary entries. I even wrote letters to God at one point. Mostly about how I thought I was going to fail my drivers test, but, the point here is to say that I love reminiscing.

Something about reminding yourself of memories is a comfort to me, but it's slowing me down.

And like MOVE, I'm finding that if I can take things in stride, and to simply keep moving, I'm happier. So much happier. Because I have no anchor to keep me stuck.

And it's quite simply fabulous.

Have an incredible week!

Your horn is distracting.

Hump day.

And I've been pacing around my house feeling like a piece of me is missing. So I decided to stumble a tad to look for some thrilling pictures and quotes, and came across this.

It's cute, and funny, and I totally understand and relate.

Part of the overall piece is missing, maybe that piece for me is right underneath my nose.

Working.Towards.This.Weekend.

Mondays and Engagements.

There's this website.

Rightttt here.

Okay. Anyways. If you click through the website you'll stumble upon the engagement photos. Well, there are some just flat out adorable ones. And then there are some insanely cool and creative ones. So, after some serious website snooping, I picked my favorites out to share with all ya'll.

Notebook, anyone?

Seriously. Why is this so cute?!

Happy Monday, everyone! 

Hope your week is fabulous! 

Harry Potter vs. Twilight

Instead of doing a "WHOO. Saturday night." themed post, I figured I would talk about quotes. This one in particular. Because, here's Mr. Stephen King, (and while I had to wiki him, only to find out he wrote the book of one of my least favorite movies on the face on the planet,) a seriously talented writer, and does know what he's talking about.

Forever and always, I'm going to be a Potterhead. The fan title is horrific, but still, it's in my blood. It's been my childhood. I was that kid with the lego castle, the lego dungeons, the lego quidditch set. I even had a lego three-headed dog. And a wand. And a cloak. And my sister and I would pretend to be the characters, and we'd make each other class work. So, have I taken a Transfiguration pop quiz? Yes, yes I have. And you know what? I aced it!

Twilight was my middle school life, however. I was one of the first to read Twilight at my middle school. While this may not be something I should be advertising, I think it's funny how popularity escalated after that volleyball season in seventh grade. So, I'm not bashing Twilight. I think there's better Stephanie Meyer, but it's not horrid for the middle school aged.

So, when I saw the quote, my initial reaction was that I laughed.

Honestly, Bella spends most of the first part of Twilight focused on the boy. And this is typical girl behavior, but it is a tad creepy. Edward is a tad creepy.

But Harry Potter is a tad whiny and angsty.

Mostly, I enjoy the quote. It makes me laugh. Because, as children we crave adventure, and imagination, and we loose this as our lives go on. We get to middle school, and the on switch for hormones gets turned on, and this lusting for adventure becomes a lusting for someone.

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer the romance in Harry Potter better. Let's be friends and I'll fall in love with you that way, rather then the Glitter cannon, hey buddy, you're hot. Let's get married now.

You know it's been a good night when you want to take your clothes off.

So, had a good ol' blastity blast last night. 

Lots of emotion.

I really don't know what else to say.

It was so much fun.

And the movie went so well. 

Better then I could've imagined. 

Thank heavens that it works and made her smile.

Thanks the important part.

Because that's what the last three/four days have led up to,

that moment. 

The aww's at the end.

The almost tears.

The tackle hug. 

And then there's the dancing, and goodness.

You're hot,

You're cat,

You're Ke$ha dancing, 

You're attempt at seducing me,

You're closeness,

You're awkward dancing,

You're Gaga face,

You're Glee Project love,

You're shortshort hair,

You're brohug,

You're Tangled-ness,

You're knowledge on Jersey Shore, and Snooki,

You.

You made it so much fun.

Thank you.

i love summer.
a whole lot.
seriously.
but i need the world of school to come back.
i'm ready to go.
justttttt need to get my summer reading done.
<3

AH. I l just love adventure.

So I'm leaving.
Eight o' clock in the morning.
And I'm bringing one of those small athletic bags for things to do in the car.
Can you say Wuthering Heights, and My Antonia?
Yuck.
Anyway,
A small backpack stuffed with water and snacks.
My purse.
One suitcase.
One pillow.
One pre-planned, car appropriate outfit.
I am spending four days away from Spoland, and couldn't be more grateful.
One down side is that my cousins get in tomorrow.
bleh.
I miss them like crazy and am missing four days of their visit.
I HATE that part.
And I'm going to be all gross coming home Tuesday.
ahaha.
Awesome.
I plan on taking too many pictures, and have lots of stories that I can out up on here.
I love you guys.
Seriously.
but I really need to get away.
BUT. I'll have my phone.
No fears there.
I just may not get back to you as quickly as I normally do.
So, until Tuesday!

Can I please go to Bellingham now?

I need to meet new people.

Like now.

Alrighty then, guess you didn't want my friendship.
You didn't even try.
HAH. That's funny.
That was basically the whole friendship.

Pshhh

You know who's not cool?  You.
You know who's happy? Me.
You know who'll regret this? You.
You know who doesn't care? Me.
You know who's already lost? You.
You know who has reached content? Me.
Too bad for youuuuu, sir.

Also. Six days.
WHOO!

And hey, you.
Spokane Gossip.
You're disgusting.
Quite making people's lives sound like some sort of boxing match.
Or should I start a gossip page about you.

"The moron who run's Spokane Gossip is well,
A lot of things that should never be said."

I'm not a great gossip starter,
But you pushed a button now, sweetheart.
You say anything more about my friends, and I'm going to Officer Bailey the moment school gets in.
Thank the lord, amen.

Whoo!

The seventeenth could not come faster.
I really need the meeting new people thing.
And the being somewhere pretty thing.
And the surviving on my own thing.
That'd be awesome.

Crash, Bang, Boom

I've got so much happy in this little body.
Can you say getting home after eleven?
And bonfires?
And gossip?
Yeah. It's quite the time.
I love you girls.
But in this little body, there's a pinprick of mourning.
Just a tad.
And I cried when the lights dimmed.
Because I miss you.
It's going to be a long time running,
To get back to content.
But until then, I'll keep myself distracted with
Fireworks,
My second family,
My seester,
50's swimming suit,
The 4th of July.
Because deep down, you make me want to scream, dear.
And beg.
And plead.
Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, and we can make up.
There you go, wish gods.
Hear me out.

I'm about ready to lose all contact. 

Seriously. 

Life must have been magical when you received letters, rather than texts or facebook posts. 

WHOO GIRLS.

Just saying...
Two girls days
In a row...
OH MY GOODNESS.
So wonderful,
and so great to be the antidote to the confusion I'm feeling.
(Thirty minutes of commentary? Yes please.)
Because, hey you.
You should listen to "My Dilemma" by Selena Gomez.
In the end she walks away.
And you're forcing me to do that.
Gee, thanks.

Instead of you....

This is Day 3.

And honestly, once sevenish hit, I expected to hear from you.

It's becoming routine.

And instead, 

A silly boy texted me,

Talking about swimsuits,

Traveling,

And hookers named "Chocolate Surprise"

Instead of you, 

A silly boy asked me to go to the movies.

I politely said not tonight.

Instead of you,

A silly boy is re-entering my life,

And our conversations don't waver anymore.

They stick to safe topics.

Like summer.

Instead of you,

A silly boy didn't have me in his phone,

And his silly personality just drips from every word that leaves his mind.

And we talk about bad driving habits.

Instead of your drama,

I sorta got to enjoy my evening.

Not saying that hearing from you would've ruined it,

But in ways I know this is how the story will end.

You're going to stop talking to me.

Why would you hold on to a friendship you hold dear.

Because you can't manage to hold on to the good things in your life,

Only the things that tend to tear it down.

So, until you plan on talking to me again.

Which could easily be tomorrow.

Have a beautiful life, sweetie.

In other words: 

Because I don't really want to end on that kind of negative.

Girls day? Check

So. Much. Fun.

Unicorns? Glitter? Awkwardness. Yoohoos? 

Yesyesyes.

Coffee with the Girls, Music Party? 

Ready to be checked off, baby. 

Let's hope so anyway.

:) 

I Should Really Stop Whipping My Hair

Rave party? 

On a Thursday night?

Yes, please.

Seriously though, it was a super blast.

Despite the awkward feel, and mix of people.

(Don't get me wrong. There was just a slightly off feel to it.)

It was so much fun.

I got to dance away stresses that I haven't been able to shake for quite some time.

I mean, who doesn't love a man creeper staring at you?

Come on kid, next time that happens, 

Just ask me to dance.

I will say yes...

And who does love a surprising success in DJing.

You'd have to be a loony not to appreciate the DJing last night. 

Seriously.

And who doesn't love being the little awkward one?

Who doesn't love getting cheer picked up to change the speed of the laser stars?

Who doesn't love being ditched for three hours, but then attached to for one?

Who doesn't love two wonderful girls who she's going to miss a lot?

Honestly, after everything that happened.

Every smile,

Every laugh,

Every moment I wanted to cry. 

So worth it.

Because when: 

-Stalling happens.

-Staring happens.

-Practicing drunken, slut-holding-drinks dancing happens.

-Liquid dancing happens.

-Chill time happens.

-Old people and feces are the worst things in slow motion.

-Chugging two soda's happens.

-Not having to take medication happens.

-Planning coffee dates happens.

Grief. 

You know it's been such a quality night.

At this point, though, I mostly just want to sleep.

WHOO.

Also :

I am super skilled at Zoo and Roller Coaster Tycoon.

Just sayin'.

Best. Day. Ever.

Thanks for even bothering to talk to him.
Thanks.

GRR

Have I ever mentioned that the only reason I want different eyes is to look prettier?

Like, everyone's all super pretty, and then there's me hiding behind the frames.

And I have some seriously pretty eyes. 

I've been noticing that more because of the hours upon hours spent attempting to contacts in.

But unfortunately, I suppose, I'm about to raise the white flag and forget it. 

Because here I thought I was going to wear them out dancing thursday.

And to my second job interview.

And you know. Tonight.

To a basketball game.

And heavens knows what else.

But now I'm done.

And I can't do it.

I don't care that solution was on my eye at one point. 

My eye doesn't open that big.

Whoops. Sucks to be me.

Mood of the Day: Irritation. 

Beeeeee Like a Glitter Cannon, babyyy!

If all goes well I'll have new eyes.

And if all goes well, I'll look a little bit different.

And if all goes well, these changes will be an advancement.

Rather than a set back.

The magic is getting to that point.

Because after staying up WAY to late.

And crying my way home,

And talking in a parking lot,

And eating ice cream,

And watching such a sad film,

And being disappointed, 

And the school ending,

Having to say mostly temporary goodbyes,

Risking losing friendships I would have like to kept.

I'm worn out.

So let the magic begin for today start in the ways of a glitter cannon, yeah?

THANK GOD FOR THEATRE.
THANK GOD.
THANK GOD.
THANK GOD.

I'M DONE WITH ALL OF THIS SPORTS CRAP.
DONE.
DONE.
DONE.

Did I just schedule a job interview?
Good heavens I did!

Joy.

On occasion I get stuck in the rain.
Get stuck in my car,
And laugh until I cry because I don't want to leave the dry for the wet.
I laugh because, well hey, I know the moment I open that door,
Any sense of warmth is gone.
I laugh after leaving my keys in the ignition.
I haven't laughed harder in a while,
Haven't laughing as joyously,
Haven't laughed as freely,
As I did today.
And although, I don't really know what the future holds.
This morning gave me the thumbs up.
The key to unlock what been messing me up so much.
Why, hello, happiness.
Glad to see you came back around.
Just in time too, I've been really missing you.
I'm done dwelling on heaviness.
Honestly, the silver hair that I pulled on Monday, was a sign.
The joy that I felt in the car was a sign.
The freedom that I keep tasting is a sign.
I'm going to be happy.
I'm going to love change.
I'm going to be well rounded.
I won't say no.
(Unless it's REALLY stupid.)
I won't back down.
I'll give my all.
I'll be the best I can be.
I better get started today, right now!
There isn't a moment to loose.

I really need something to push me out of this horrible mood I'm in.
I'm not really sure what got me to this point,
But I'm done.
I really am.
Just so you know.
(Thursdaycomenow.)

Click, click, clickity, click

I'm going to take a moment to gloat about myself for a moment.
Feel free to skip this post.
So last night, we (everybody pictured below minus one.) had our big end-the-dance-show performance.
Tapping.
After only thirteen weeks.
And we were met with enormous applause.
And as I was sitting there, in the final pose,
Absorbing the feeling,
Grief, it feels so good to be cheered for like that.
And with three dear friends in the audience.
Two members of my family sitting there,
Last night was honestly so worth it.
Now, all the drama to get there,
The fees,
The stress right before we went on,
Maybe not so much.
But once we finished and got set of finale,
It was a breath of fresh air.
A reminder that I have talent.
Maybe hidden deep inside, but it's there.
And like a dear friend told me on friday night,
"you have all the talent in the world. I can see it, you just need to."
I see it now.
Or a small portion.
Receiving loud applause when we bowed,
Getting flowers for the performance that we threw together.
It's all so worth it.
So, so worth it.
And those five others,
So much thanks to them.
You honestly saved me friday night.
Because I wanted to shut down.
I almost pulled out of my late night plans.
But I didn't, because I came home happy.
I couldn't me more thankful that you all aren't leaving.
Because... I need each and every one of you.
I really do.
Even the one that 'hates me'.
So yes, my weekend has been super fabulous.
My surprise is in orderish.
I have to plan, and practice, and create, and goodness, I have a lot.
But, the guns been shot and we're running now.
Which is awesome.
I have two college bound tests under my belt.
And I don't have to think about it again until September.
Which is awesome.
I officially know how to function without family.
Which... is less than awesome, but a skill worth having.
Tap went amazingly well.
I didn't fall lie I thought I was going too.
and I sorta, even made my kicks.
Which is SO awesome.
And today?
Today will be awesome.
Promise.

Also, on a smaller note,
The not-so-seniors:
You have been so close to me, and watching you spread you wings blows my mind.
You're all such wonderful people and it's really been an honor knowing you.
Even though it was during high school where people are ridiculously dramatic.
BUT! Hey, at least I got to know you.
Thank you, all of you, for leaving a tiny piece of you on me.
Forever I'll remember you.
Three months really isn't that long of a time. Really.
So lets make it worthwhile?
With all the love someone my size can hold,
(Which is a lot. Just so you know.)
JB

13 week tappers. All the boys would be jumping.
I'm so proud of us. Love forever and always.
This will be a treasured memory. 

I wish I were braver.
So I could simply be like,
"Hey. I need food. Join me?"
But heaven knows all these lines I must stay inside.

Sorry.
If this is how it's going to be,
Well, our future is going to fail.

So..
Out of everything to say to you, I mostly want you to know that you haven't left my mind.
But I'll never say anything.
I'll keep my distance.
That's the healthy thing to do.
But, you haven't.
Because I'm trying to break down what's really going on inside.
But I doubt that I'll ever know.

It's funny how I'm always longing for the fall.

Where'd you go?

"Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars."


Why? I don't understand. 

Hello, post one hundred.
Talk about a moment of panic.
Never again.
K, thanks.
Ah.
Not okay.

Oh, honey.

Thank you for noticing the moment you saw me that something was wrong.
Then offering to go to my locker for me.
And then fighting me when I said I'd go.
And then letting me go.
Whether you know it or not,
It means so much to me, your attentive eye.
<3

I raise my glass to you,

Kid who facebook stalked me.

Who I get along quite well with.

Who I 'm glad I've gotten to know.

I raise my glass to you,

As we walked back to the school,

And as we laugh about being string along

And how I see something that could blossom.

I raise my glass to you,

For that "sneaky" look,

And my spaz answer back

"Look, it glows in the dark"

I raise my glass to you. 

Jeopardy

One word:

Jeopardy.

Three more words:

SO MUCH FUN

Can I get a "Hey-Ya" ?

When I said, "I'd hit that", I meant with my car.
--Unknown.

"There comes a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people and the drama they bring."
--Unknown

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
--Unknown.

My life. I'm so happy that summer is almost here.
Can I get a "Hey-Ya" ?

Also: Momma's Boy -- Elizabeth and the Catapult.

Amen to you.

And Justin Beiber getting the music to cue him to shush up. Amen.

Neyo: You're hat is sexy.

I love watching my father interact with Theo.
I love watching Theo's foot fetish.
I love that, because of this fetish, I have a couple scratches on my feet.
I love Belgi Galette cookies.
I love my family talking about Wicked's light cues during dinner.
I love that I'm watching an award show and I can't hear it.
I love that I didn't take many texts today.
I love that you're talking to me.
I love that I'm happy tonight.
I love that I got a 6 on my practice SAT writing.
(This is only one out of two scorers, well, scores. I might have gotten a twelve.)
I love Harry Potter.
I love my Sound of Music earrings.
I love that there's a dance on Saturday.
I love that you hold my hand when we talk.
I love how different you were then.
I love that we are friends again.
I love Taio Cruz's accent. Where is that man from?
I love magic.
Neyo, you're hat is darn sexy. mmm, baby.


.... On another note.

Tonight seems like a bible night.
Because, God, I'm searching this time.
Hear my call?
I'm

Senior Pictures Part 1

I am a senior model...
As of tomorrow.
And I'm pretty excited.
I'm hoping that in the course of everything,
The pictures blatantly say who I am.
Crossing my el finger-os

Ghost?

You fell asleep in class today and I think it might have been one of the most adorable things I've ever seen. And seeing you so peaceful, with zero cynical spikes, god, thats who I had fallen for. But, you aren't him anymore. You woke up, and I woke up, and now we're simply shadows waltzing around each other.

And frankly, I don't miss you.

I'm okay.

I mean, yes, I do miss you at times. The stupid bantering that we had down to a 'T'.

But, really, it's a good example of pulling through. Because, hell, I was crushed.

I won't lie about that. It hurt a lot, but I'm fine now.

We aren't talking, and probably won't ever.

Oh well.

Amen for high school.

I believe that this is possible

I believe that standing in the rain is a beautiful thing.
I believe that wavy hair is pretty.
I believe that nurture has a lot to do with it.
I believe that trying new things is exciting.
I believe you're actions are innocent.
I believe we can start again and be friends.
I believe that ... so what if we question you. I love you dearly.
I believe that you'll find you're way.
I believe that things will be alright.
I believe that I'll have the best senior year ever.
I believe that without you, the last couple weeks wouldn't have been fun.
I believe that you are easily one of my few best friends.
I believe that he hates my music, but I don't care.
I believe that I'm an army of a thousand.
I believe that you give some of the best hugs.
I believe that dark chocolate easily can make anyone happy.
I believe that tonight will be a good night.
I believe that the way you care is going to help me make these transitions.
I believe that whatever you're feeling must stop before anything happens.
I believe that if it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this.
I believe car playlists are made for happiness.
I believe my soaked socks and chilled arms will eventually warm.
I believe in the summer sun around the corner.
The tap lessons that my besties might get to see. (THANK GOD)
I believe there is reason that joy makes everyone look so much better.
I believe in today.

I've Got A Friend In You

Goodness,
I don't understand it in the least, but I'm liking it.
For once, I'm really going to miss Narnia when it's over.
At least tech is called just until Friday.
Though, I'll stop by after wards to help out I think.
Yeah.
I need to talk to Mike anyways about audies.

So, thank you to those, who on a continual basis:
Make me smile,
Make me laugh,
Give me hugs,
Tell me that I look pretty,
Hold my hand,
Dance with me,
Put up with my stupidness,
Help despite being an actor,
Are just too cute for words,
Ask how I am,
Give me pre-show, good luck wishes, even though I don't do much,
Compliment my drawings,
Rock out with me on the way to cast parties,
Deal with my many pictures,
Love me.

Thank you.
It means the world to me that in this period of stress, and being easily frustrated.
I have people who love me, and are willing to sit me down and remind me of it.
I don't know what I would do without you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
When you say things three times, it should stick.
MUCH LOVE.

Bunny.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You crazy.

It's a good thing you just keep on going, sweetheart.
Energizer bunny.
To. The. Max.

Magic

Oh Pike's Place. I really miss the magic that you brought.
Summer, come spirit me away.

I know that God loves me because he gave me Nutella.
Seriously.
He also gave me hot chocolate after prom.
And eleven hours of sleep.

Now I just need patience from those around me and with myself.
Welcome hell week.

Woooo

Euro session over and a handful of notes had zippo to do with WW2.

But who am I kidding?

I'm less than two weeks to finding out.

Thank youu

Thank you for stepping up.
You might have saved anothers life.
Thank you for being aware of the steam coming out of my ears.
You are wonderful.
Thank you for the awkward hug.
It's nice to know you care.
Thank you for the pretty compliment.
It means a lot to me.
Thank you for noticing my work.
IT feel's nice to be appriciated.
Thank you texting me during lunch.
I know, right?
Thank you for thinking about making me a senior model.
AH! That makes me feel so cool.
Thank you for being my tennis partner.
We rule.
Thank you for noticing.
Heck yeah, I'm pretty [stunning].

Thank you for making me feel loved.

Because the burst of stress and irritation with life I felt today....
Yeah, if there are some actors heads rolling...
Don't look at me first?

Anywho, It means a lot that you care.

TESTOSTERONE!

What a day.
Can you say testosterone in the theatre?
In the lunch room?
On facebook?
Via cell phone?

What was so appealing about me today?
Grief.

Whoo

As my facebook fills with "Osama is dead"
I can't help but have a bad feeling in my stomach.
Not because of him.
Goodness knows, I'm awful with this political stuff.
But...
I'm just not whole currently.

I really need to find something that makes me happy again.

Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

I think that I'm going to throw a small object.
But!
WE ARE TALKING.
Sorta.

I mean, slightly goofy texts,
and a awkward stare,
and the occasional hellos in the hallway,
and a teasing conversation leaving the review.

Just today.

WE ARE TALKING.

Why can't the next two weeks quite simple blur by?
Because I need to see what is on the other side.

Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

I hope I'm on his mind tonight. Even for a moment.
Because, I want this so badly.

Dear You.
Please let yourself be swept in that feeling.
I don't know what else to pray for anymore.
It's you.
Only you.
Three and a half weeks now?
It's been you.
I wake up.
You.
I eat lunch.
You.
I go to tech.
You.
I go to sleep.
You.
Let me hold your hand, and we can try this again.
Because it's you.

Oh Cloris.

I want to be Cloris Leachman.
Or related to her in some way.
Because she's cute, and sassy.

Or Mae West.
Because she rocked it.
And she was able to get her men.

I want to be able to dance in this rain.
But I currently don't have a reason to dance.

At all.

Whoo.

I can't wait until things in this crazy world die down.
Because.. everything I thought I had under control really doesn't want to seem to be the same any longer.

Win.

:(

Worry.

Waking up.

I'm starting a new push.
A wave.
Waking up early.
To exercise.
Or meditate.
And to start my day of right.

Wish me luck, I want to stick with this one.

Ground

I feel like one of those little pieces of dandelion that you blow on a make a wish.
I'm one of those little pieces.
Floating in the wind.
Ground me.
I want to feel the earth under foot once more.

Up, Up into Adulthood. Sorta.

I've done a lot, and I mean a lot, of thinking over the past couple weeks. I know I have these moments where I'm all "I've grown up. I'm going to be so much stronger!" I've never been stronger. More prepared, maybe, but rarely stronger. I hand out chances like free samples at Costco. I never want to see the bad in anybody, the faith that good is underneath is always there. That spark of naivety and innocence always gets me. It's stupid to see the same person in the same red alarm light, and handing them a second chance ticket. Or third. Or fourth. Or tenth. Or hundredth.

I know that I'm a beautiful girl with a happy personality. I'm surrounded by people who love me, respect me, need me, want me. My sisters of this electronic world love me. I love them. I have amounts of brothers that know the moment I'm falling. It's a wonderful thing. I know that I'm set for a positive and successful life. I know that high school is a hole that I have to climb out of, that no matter where I go for the next years of education, my future loves, my future life: I'm ready.

Because, I'm a stronger person. For real. 

Instead of handing out chances, I turned my back. I'm merely polite. 

We can be friends when he decides he wants my friendship. Not when he needs me. 

I won't pick up another phone call from him where he's crying. I won't stress over him, while he ignores me the next day. I won't hand him my heart and watch him stick it in a blender and press puree. 

Instead of waiting around for a man, I'm standing alone. 

Not in a 'don't come near me way', but in the, 'hey. I'm a babe. Sorry if that doesn't meet your standard.'

Because I'm special and I'm worth it. I'd make a pretty great girlfriend, but I'm cool being a good friend too. But I won't throw my whole world aside for you. Made that mistake already, and I don't want to do it again.

I'm growing up, and it's a wonderful feeling.

 

I shouldn't feel like I have to babysit you.
I shouldn't feel like crying when I make it out to my car.
I shouldn't have to be the bad guy.
I shouldn't have to bark at you.

Why are you making me feel like this?

Love/Hate

I love your eyes.
I think they are the prettiest blue I've ever seen.
I love how helpful you are.
And you aren't even on tech.
I love that you care enough to check in with me every half hour.
It means a lot that you care.
I love how you hug me.
It's a beautiful thing.
I love how you let me swear.
In fact, you think it's finny.
I love how persistent you are.
You silly, silly thing.
I love your angry noise.
It's actually really funny.
I love your smile. Like the legitimately happy one.
It's really pretty on you.
I love your obsession.
It always makes me laugh.
I love how you can't keep your hands out of your hair.
Euro couldn't be more entertaining.
I love how tickling is considered abuse.
That means your abusive.
I love how "women don't like getting hit"
Does that mean guys like it?
I love you.
A whole lot.


I hate that you are off task all the time.
I hate what a distraction you are.
I hate that you won't talk to me.
I hate that you've decided that you and I can't be friends.
I hate that she's a witch.
I hate that I'll give you yet another chance because of this silly faith.
I hate that you're such a moron.
I hate that I can't open up.
I hate that that you can't see.
I hate that it's cold outside.
I hate all the stress.
I hate that I feel like I need to cry.

What a day.

Alive!

I'm coherent again, which is pretty exciting. I mean, looking back at the things I liked this morning on facebook, and not remembering when I did that is pretty thrilling. But that's beside the point. 

Last night showed me what great people I have surrounding me. 

And to those of you, who dealt with my dizzy talk, or who walked me out of my mom's car -- 

I thank you. 

Because last night was for sure a dark night. (Yay?)

Without all your love and support, I would've just been laying in the green room, waiting for Superman.

In other news, 

I'm sorta excited that I'm missing at least through third period.

As much as I want to be in Euro, this might be some salt in the salt shaker.

Who knows. 

Same with fourth, buttttt I just don't want to have to do a P.E. makeup. Becauseeee I was legitimately going to make it without having to do so. Goshhh darn it. Anyone want to 'run' with me?

So. Yes. 

I can't think about much else to say.

Don't eat Starbusts if you aren't feeling well? 

Sweats are Gods gift to man?

Sprite is a beautiful drink?

God bless my saltines?

Amen to finally not spinning while looking at a computer screen?

Keep me in your thoughts today because I reallllllllly would like to be able to support out boys.

Go Josh! 

I support you! 

And so many others but I don't really know who else is in it.

I just know that Josh has been trying to sell me tickets multiple times. 

Sorry, Josh, I should have bought them from you. 

Maybe.

It's been a weekish.
(A little over.)
Since you kissed me.
Andddd I don't know.
I'm taking the advice from a friend,
A firend that I haven't talked to in a while,
He told me to wait it out.
To hang on.
But to live.
Because he's hung on,
And forgot to live.
And he misses what he could have had.
I don't want to miss.
I want to cling to these moment that make life worth living.
Hold on to that conversation about weapons,
The Assassians date,
The partner in tap,
Poking ego's in a hallway,
Bad movies,
Good movies,
Two hours over with the lil' sis,
Sleeping in with Little Man,
Talking about him ten feet away.
I won't forget to live,
I won't forget about you.
But until you (boy) decide what you're next move may be:
I'm not going to freeze.
There's too much life between then and now.
Catch me, I dare you.
Because I'm planning on soaring.

Maybe we can catch up then.
Maybe.
Like you told me,
One little word on the screen:
Maybe.

My maybe is a yes.
Is yours?

We may all still find it shocking,

But when a hottie does come knocking,

His actions will also come up short.

 Ah, but darling they come flocking

When they see my nylon stocking

And every man is just a trial in the court.

But I refuse to be left behind

I refuse the need to bump and grind.

I want a man, who’s tall and daring,

With this heart so full of caring

That he holds my hands, and makes me tea each day

I want him to kiss me

Always remember to call me

And loves me no matter what I weigh.

Sunshine

The sun came out today.
Warmed my skin.
Reminded me of why I like being happy.
Pulled me from a dark night.
Light at the end of the tunnel.
And I had really good day.
Minus the whole spinning world for several hours bit.
Anywho, today was sunshine.
In many way of the word.

Scared doesn't even begin to cover it.

So. I'm scared.
Legitimately in panic mode.
Because I'm scared of what tomorrow might hold...
...Or what it may -not- hold.
Any way you shake it, I'm scared for tomorrow.
Because I haven't done this crush thing in a while.
I've been pretty ... well, neural ...
And I let my walls down,
Said, "To heaven with it. I think I could like this one."

I forgot what pain liking someone was.
I got over the cute as of yesterday.
Got over the happy.
Now I'm just scared to see him.
And pretend like nothing happened.
Like I didn't open up.
Like he's been doing since I left his house.

Bah.

Ack. Boys.

Even Taylor Swift doesn't have a song to cover how I feel right now.

And it's fantastic.

Ready. Set. Go.

I want to blog about my trip and what I learned and all that.
Buttttt....that is going to have to wait until after:
A research paper.
A Euro themed take home test.
Scarlet Letter Thrillings.
French Review.

:)

Talk later? Yes.

Ahhhhh.

I really miss my cat right now. 

But it's okay.

Because Seattle is in my near future. 

Along with a movie.

And a dance.

And new clothes.

And a ridiculous amount of spending money that I was handed.

And I have sisters and brohas.

And they love me.

And I really couldn't thank them enough.

Because... today:

I got to watch how to install a break light.

I got to run around the mall with broha.

I got to see prom date.

I got to go crazy with Seester. 

We got coffee.

I drank legit-er coffee.

We skimmed Forever 21.

I got to come home to Man Cat.

He loves me.

Played SSB with Sister. 

Excited for tomorrow.

Despite the day, I'm missing my old friend and baby, and it's quite the damper.

Ah well. 

Take the sunshine and light out the spots of grey, I s'pose.

On an entirely different note, I really can't wait until I get a man.

Like more than Man Cat,

Because, while singing love songs to Man Cat is nice,

Being able to have a 'song' will make me happy. 

Because I'm already picking cute songs for a wedding playlist.

Plus, I need to hold some hands, and cuddle a little bit.

Look up: Perfect Two -- Auburn

It's the cutest thing I've ever heard. 

Dearest Darling Friends:

I love you.
You're all wonderful people.
Just so that you know.
I don't know where I would be without:
YOU

Lone

I feel foolish.

Simply foolish. 

Expecting,

Waiting,

Wishing.

Won't you give me a clear sign?

I need to know what's going on in your head. 

"If I just breathe
Let it fill the space in between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe"


Because I don't really understand. 
But, fine. 
Whatever.
Be however you'd like.
I love you, but I can't do this.
Sometimes you need to listen to understand.


BEAVER.