So... I guess I graduated?

I think that I've had more than enough time to fully digest graduation before I post about it. It's been roughly five days since I've been graced with a diploma, adulthood, and numerous graduation congratulations.

Graduation was a blur.

It goes by so fast. 


No one really warns you for how fast it'll feel. I hardly remember walking across the stage. I walked behind my counselor like a squash, but you know, I followed the example of several before me. I learn by example... and I panicked. So, I was one of "those" kids.

It just absolutely amazes me that the biggest moment of the entire high school career is over in a blink of an eye. I spent more time in the back halls goofing around with the chords, than I actually spent graduating. I spent more time with three lovely people singing, laughing, being loud than being in the gym.

I didn't trip though! That's a plus. I was SO worried.

My theatre director was in my line of teachers to say goodbye too. I about cried when I got a hug from him. It was the only time I almost cried. He's been the life changing teacher in my life. Easily one of the hardest goodbyes to say.

I just have a hard time even wrapping my mind around "graduation". I got to wear the funny robe; I had classic issues with the cap.


I just have a wonderful group of people that love and support me. In the end, that's all the really matters.

Photo Credit - Mrs. Blyckert :)

Blessed I May Be

I'm a big bonfire kid. I never was as a child, but for some reason, I am HOOKED on some serious bonfire-ing. I just like the fact that in an intimate setting, like around the fire, people are happy and they joke and everything for a time seems right. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that graduation is in a week, and it's starting to become a mission of life or death to hold onto the moments that you want to remember forever. Maybe.

Plus the smell. I'm half addicted to the smell of bonfire. It's so pleasant.

Anywho, tonight, I got the small opportunity to have a heartfelt conversation with a couple other friends. It truly was a beautiful thing, and I fully appreciate them for it. I'm a sucker for listening to reasons behind why someone believes the way they do, and, gosh, this group was wonderful.

I even shared tidbits about my life that I don't usually talk about. Which is incredible. I just couldn't be more thankful right now for the friends that I have made over the course of this year. I have honestly and truly been blessed.

People are quite fantastic. Not the neighborhood dwellers, but the ones who are willing to munch mint candies and discuss "don't touch" topics with you. Until one thirty in the morning. And if there wasn't a reason to leave, chances are the conversation could have gone for hours more.

<3

Belief

"I believe in you." 

Those four words hang tightly in my mind,

Painted in earth tones on ceramic mugs. 

The paint has raised slightly, and every time I run my thumb over it,

It's you.

You're face is etched in my mind. 

Strong, commanding eyes that speak the wisdom of the ages. 

But your words tend to be laced with daggers - 

And I drop the mug, watching it shatter into tiny pieces - 

Each reflecting a moment of you. 

You're face covered in flour,

How we failed in making cookies,

Wearing the dessert more than baking it.

You're hands encased in the messily knitted gloves that I had once upon a time given you. 

You're eyes tilted slightly upwards, as we danced in the moonlight,

My pale colored dress twirling around in the warmth of the firelight. 

The night you gave me your sweatshirt -

When the rain was pouring  and you told me that you loved me. 

That you believed in me. 

And that night when I believed you.

Because I loved you too. 

Of Hipsters and Grandparents

I am getting new glasses, slightly under the "hipster" category and they are speckled brown. These paired with hairstyles similar to the one above, matched with my addiction to scarves is almost obscenely art student. And you know what? I couldn't be more okay with that. It's a stereotype that I don't totally mind slipping into. Because, I'm happy, and I think it's cute, and hey, I am a art student. Like, been there done that, hello Major.

I was blessed on Friday. I am blessed all the time, my friends are angels, my family is heaven. But real quick, I want to talk about my blessing on Friday.

I received a five thousand dollar check from my grandparents. Between that check, and the loans that I am getting from Western, I have officially covered my end of the bargain. When I opened the letter with the check tucked inside, I almost burst into tears. The load that the check took off my shoulders is truly significant. I owe my grandparents so much already for being so active in my life, but then to receive this.... It's incredible. I don't even know how to put into words what I am feeling. asknf;asnvournf;lskcno;ikajen.

That sort of covers it.

Anyway, things are smoothing over a tad, and school as per always seems to be speeding up. But graduation is almost here. I couldn't be happier.

Why is life so wonderful?

jasdfkjnsadfon ... The end.

Loneliness is a sucker punch to the throat. 

I need tomorrow. Breakfast with a beautiful girl, dinner with another beautiful girl.

And the show. Even though I've seen it already. I'm that kid. Awesome. 

BAH. I don't know what's all messed up right now. 

Sleep will do me good.

Sleep well, world. 

Happy? Abnormally.

Hopefully that video works and it's all perfect in video land, because it slightly sums up how good of a mood that I'm in right now. And I'm cleaning. Which is odd. Because I'm never this uplifted while I clean. 

Maybe it's because it's spring (sorta) or because summer is one it's way or because I have just decided that I want to be happy. No more of this stupid "Mreh" drama that makes up the high school career. I have this rock that I got from Pike's Place that says, "WHEN YOU ARE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING!"

I made it through? Maybe?

I think I did. Because, at least for now I'm in a pretty good place. I think we can all point at my vacation and go, "You're to blame for the good mood." Because, let's be honest. The amount of coffee I consumed was brilliant, and the amount of laughter that was produced was fantastic. (My sister and I spent a two hour drive singing duets to random things on my Ipod. What's not to love?) 

The point of all this I guess is to say: Boo bad things. But hey! Things can get so much better. Because they do. 

This post was horribly random and I'm sorry about that. I'm all whacky in a sleep schedule and I want nothing more than a strawberry smoothie and to exercise a little. But until I can make those things possible I really ought to sleep a little and write some. 

Why is life so beautiful? Humans take advantage of it. 

Life. <3 

Life is Art. I like Spring Break.

I will forever and always be that kid who sees scenes in novels strictly in flowing colors. My dreams are always black and white, or sepia, but rarely color is ever seen. All my dreams look like classic movies, which is AWESOME. Why? Being asked to prom in Times Square? So awesome in black and white. Just sayin'. (Excuse my dreams. I got caught up on prom and NY last night. Mes apologies... )

So. Mostly, I leave tomorrow. I meet the Roommate on SATURDAY. WHOO!!!

I just needed to throw that bit in there. I am meeting her so so so so so soon. I can hardly sit still. In fact, sitting still will be a fancy skill I learn at approximately nineish? Maybe? Tomorrow when we head towards Bellingham. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm terribly excited. But the possibility of getting stuck on the pass? EW. Last time that happened I complained to a friend a lot and had to pee a lot and hoyboy it was bad times. And the the amount of large trucks that pass you on the edge of the pass and that just sends me into another whole world of panic. As much as I love that, let's avoid that. The faster over the pass too would be awesome. We don't need Vertigo to come back. I've quite liked life with the very mild form that has stuck around. He's easily dealt with, but the big brother version? LORD HELP ME.

On a very fast side note. Now that I clicked 'Update', I can't find anything on here. Fancy tags bar, come back to me! Just kidding. The official name is called 'Labels' and it's been staring me in the face. Cool beans.

Also, Jealousy is a bug. No need to further explain my pains on that, but jealousy is not my friend. hahaha, Not that it should be anyone's friend.

Sometime soon I will have a Spring Break that is to go on the radar. Like, Oh hey guys look how I visited Southern France. That's Southern French sun that is heating my fluorescent skin. Take. That.

Until that point, this kid will be happily traveling to Bellingham, finding a prom dress, possibly skype-ing with the boys (plus one girl), and updating a spring wardrobe. Also missing her cats. A lot. THEO <3

Over and out. (Rocketship sounds: Go.)

Don't cry, love, Don't cry.

I can officially turn the page. The End. Ciao. 

I am no longer expected to dedicate my hours to the theatre department. Alice fell through. So, I am no longer "that theatre kid". I don't have a label, nor a home per se anymore. I mean, yes, the theatre will always be your home, but it's not the same when you haven't been living there. No, my house is now my home. The love on my friends faces is where I find home. 

Scars will be open tomorrow, and for me, it's most difficult to know that my brothers, my senior brothers, are doing this lap without me. But they'll be fantastic, they never needed me there. It was never because of me that they shined. They do that on a daily basis on their own. It's how they are. Now I get to sit in the audience and be in awe at their talent; I can really play that "mommy" part. 

Tomorrow, I will be strong, because it's not a day of mourning. Yes, it sucks. Yes, my gut feeling of needing ice cream drenched in chocolate and covered in brownie bits was correct, THIS ISN'T THE END. It's not the end until you die, and I am not dying until I've reached the stars. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm incredibly short, and I have a LONG ways to go. (Long way to go = Long Life.) Tomorrow, others need my strength. Like I needed theirs earlier this evening, they may have mine tomorrow. 

This department has been my awkward growing up. I feel like I'm on the Harry Potter cast, and I'm Dan, or Rupert, or Emma. I'd be Emma. If you take the Golden Trio, and dump in on the theatre seniors, we fit rather well. I'm just nothing like Hermione. But other than that. ANYWHO. Emma Watson said this during the premiere of the final film:

"It's overwhelming to try and find the words to say what I want to say, but I have been so privileged to play this role and be a part of these films." 

I feel the same way. I have been so honored to have grown up in the protection of the department. It's seen me at my best, and my worst. The people I have met, and the friends I have made have walked footprints on my heart. I never thought the end would actually come. It always felt so far away, but here it is. 

And I'm sad, don't get me wrong. I got the text messaged picture, and tears fell. Rapidly at that. You don't want to be the one to have to turn away. But this time, I was elected to go, and despite the tears I can smile. Because it's made my life so much more satisfying and beautiful. I thank those who stand as stars, who are my friends, who have loved me even when I shouldn't be, who have supported the crazy long nights and the no homework done the next day, who don't mind my blunt side, to those who always supported me. 

This chapter may have ended tonight around ten thirty. But, this book doesn't end for another three months. 

Looks like I'll just have to make the most of that, won't I? 

<3

He's more the Harry type, don't you think? 

And he's the more Ron Weasely.

Confidence! What? What?

 

Today was auditions for Alice. Auditions for anything always make me feel naked and slightly insecure. Unfortunately, el director man wants us to go CRAZY. If you know me, I don't go crazy. I'm not a extroverted person. I'm actually rather introverted. I love people, don't get me wrong, but acting like a fool, I do that enough on my own by accident. I don't tap into that on command well though.

I do, however, have loads of loud extroverted friends who don't go a few minutes without making slight fools of themselves. It's completely by choice, don't get me wrong, and I love them for it. 

Anywho, the biggest problem with auditions is that your confidence takes a bludger (yes, a bludger) to the throat. You spend three ish hours comparing yourself to thirty plus other girls, and you go home to over think what you performed. It's a vicious circle, because you ask other people what they thought and it's not always something you want to hear. (Shout out to Sound of Music). 

Point of this? I'm not over thinking mine today. To be honest, I think it's because I was more worried that I'd start coughing, my voice would break, or my runny nose would start... sprinting? And luckily for this kid none of that happened. Only stumble during the auditions... I messed up on a line, but I wasn't the only one, and lord knows I have difficulty talking anyways. hahaha. 

So... Moral of today? 

Love the little things. Today, the people who aren't necessarily in that "core" group of friends really stepped up for me. It's hard to come to school after having a fever the day before. You just can't deal with that many energies without getting a headache. So the simple, "Good luck! Feel better." Or the "You're a trooper." Or the "You should sit next to me!" Or the "You'll be awesome. I have faith." 

It meant the world and more to me. Auditions are stressful. Amen for friends. Amen for confidence. Even when you got to fake it. 

Happy basically Friday! 

Say I Love You When You're Not Listening

Not only is this video beautifully crafted, but it's the perfect soundtrack of my world right now. Now that the "Winter" chapter has closed, I'm struggling to get a hold on my reality again. I've spent the last few nights crying it out to patch myself together for the next day. I think mostly, I'm in shock that it has come to an end. I lived in one space for three weeks, non stop, with the same fifty people and learned to become a family. Now? We're separated, back into the routine we were in months ago. Just a few more hand prints on our hearts.

I don't know how past senior felt, graduating from their very last high school musical, but for me this is one of the tallest hurdles to get over. As wonderful as pictures are, nothing will match that feeling that this cast brought. I found a home a tad too late to enjoy. I apologize to those for my snappiness, my bitter comments. I do love you, but I'm human. And I need sleep to function. Unfortunately, I'm not having the best luck finding that, even after I've put away the makeup kit, put the tap shoes to bed.

"Aren't you Don Lockwood?"

"So's your Aunt Tilly!"


"Make sure to keep my distance, say I love you when you're not listening." 

It's the only thing I've got anymore. The memories of all the loving, caring, sweetest people that I've hand the honor to meet and get to know over the course of the last three months. If I could tour with that cast, I'd be the happiest girl on the planet. I would never get sick of it. But, because life is made of beginning's and endings. It's time for me to say goodbye to the happiest moments of my senior year, and say hello to the sun rise just around the corner. This won't be the first goodbye I have to make, nor will it be the last. But I am loved, and in the end, that's what matters. 

Laugh at me. I dare you.

"They all laughed at Christopher Columbus

When he said the world was round

They all laughed when Edison recorded sound

They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother

When they said that man could fly"

Ella Fitzgerald

Within the last week, my fancy shmancy 'senior seminar' class had the army representative come in to "open our minds." He was maybe fifteen minutes into his talk when  he shut down my dream career goal. He isn't the only one though who looks at the arts and gives me that 'are you crazy?' look. Fine, so the arts aren't know to bring in piles and piles of cash, but I suck with numbers. End of story. I think most of my bitterness comes from finding that one thing that I couldn't be more thrilled about in life, to learn that it's a stupid career goal. Being a doctor or engineer is setting you up for much brighter things in life. Well poop. Looks like I'll be having that small house with a cat or four, and the couple children, and the husband that doesn't mind when I stay all day in the kitchen making cookies. Oh wait, that's the goal in life. So mister army man, once you think the cookie baking, glitter loving, physically weak girls are a good idea for the army, we'll talk. :)

On another note, my high school career ends in just under one hundred days. For some reason this number scares me. I've never been a grade A goodbye teller. (Uhm. Tears snot sniffles. Yes, this girl does better with hellos.) Anywho, I think it's just watching all my friends grow up around me. Big deal if I turn the big one eight on thursday. It's another birthday. But my friend going on his mission in just under one hundred days?! That's huge. He's still that awkward freshman who used to compete for man badges, not hold girls' hands, and get shots because he's probably leaving the COUNTRY for his mission. Part of me can't handle that; that's great that you're growing up. But could you be like every average kid and come home so I can still see you? OKAYAWESOMETHANKS. This leads to the whole , I'll probably be a skype queen at college next year for a bit. My best friend has one year left before he gets transformed into a marriage worthy and religiously sound man. Is that weird that I have this insane need to count down to it? Probably. Point of this? I'm scared. Excited? Yes. Ready to not have to talk to some people ever again? Yes. Terrified to start facing the world all grown up? Yes. Yee-haw. 

Sunshine:

• I have got finger waves pro. Seriously, I'm becoming such a theatre mom. It's official. Can a get a name tag that has: "Hello, My name is YOUR FAVORITE THEATRE MOM."
• Mme H has another grandbaby. 
• Relaxing evening with a second family.
• Calm nights with the swoons of Ella and Louis. <3
• Freedom Writers
• Brothers 
• Family

Thunderstorms:

• People. It may just be everything going on but it feels like people are just successfully becoming so stupid. Blows my mind.
• Lumpy Ladies. 
• Government. That class can grab a sack lunch and take a hike. So done. 

Today was good. But now it's time to sleep. It'll be a long day tomorrow. Hooray! [We open in basically a week. Thrilling, no?] Have a FANTASTIC weekend, lovelies! 

What is your purpose!?

After a particularly crazy rehearsal today (we got costumes, and Lord know how that affects it's actors), the cast was sat in this massive pond and reminded that we open in two weeks. A simple two weeks and people are going to come watch us. But the part that stuck with my was when my director stops, and says:

"Why are you doing this? What is your purpose?" 

Well, Mr. Director. Right now I'm doing the show because I like to sing, and wear pretty dresses, and act. I like the fact that I talk in the show. I have a moment that probably will be forgotten, but could be remembered. I feel pretty in my dance tights, and in all the costumes. This whole theatre thing is basically a job. I don't know many other teens who put in fourteen hours of work towards one thing during the course of two days. But, that's why I love theatre. You end up having to bond with a group of masochistic people. We all are masochistic if we're willing to throw ourselves under all this negativity that comes with the arts. 

And, thrillingly enough, I want to make art be one of my majors next year. I am putting myself through the pain of auditioning, the possibility to fail, and be judged for the rest of my career. Honestly, it's a little daunting. No one wants to be judged. Heavens, you're judged the moment you walk through the front doors of high school. (So what if I LOVE man-sweats. I'm not totally judged the fact that it's snowing that you're hardly wearing a skirt.) 

So, what is my purpose? I don't really know. I do know that I want to stop judging so much, because I am walking towards a life style where being judged is like going to sleep at night. 

Anywho. 

My director, who hasn't always given us this light, "you can do this" attitude, gave us such an inspiration to keep going, to keep pushing for you. 

So when we run through Act One, I'm dedicating it to YOU. You who are judged and mistreated. You are fantastic, my dears. 

"We have a SCHOLAR at our table..."

I am in line to be the next Spokane Scholar for Fine Arts, and I couldn't be anymore blessed to be standing with super talented students from my high school.

I am just so happy; this makes up for the "I can't pay for college" panic attack this week.

LET'S GO MONEY.

Homework,
Happy Book,
Coffee,
WHEE.

Look! A Brother, A Husband, AND A Son?!

I have this joy in my life. His name is Brandon. And we could pass as siblings. See?

Okay, well, maybe not. But we're as close to siblings your going to get without living with each other. 

And it's funny, because I've always wanted an older brother. You know, that awesome at everything, super popular, and still is there to pull you up from absolute nerd- dom when you need a hug. And HE EXISTS. 

It's this kid. It's fantastic. I just needed to blare that off to everyone for a moment. Lovelovelove this kid. What would I do without him?! 

I'm working really hard at treasuring the little things in life. Like, getting a husband and child during rehearsals. That's always fun. And foot ninja. And all sorts of thrilling things.

Life really is good if you put effort in laughing a little, and finding those things that make you happy. 

Sisters!

Oh gosh. Can I be anymore blessed? I love this girl. 

If life was according to me, I'd stick her in a box, and she'd come with me to college.

<3

Twenty Twelve? Whaaat?

It's a HUGE year.

Like.. I'm graduating.

It'll all be over within six short months. 

Count 'um: SIX.

And I'm going to college.

I'll probably cry.

Cool.

Resolutions: 

Live every moment to the fullest.

BE HAPPY.

Make some awesome friends in college.

Forget others; be you.

Don't cry to much at the end.

Here's to the new year!

[clink]