I'm about ready to lose all contact. 

Seriously. 

Life must have been magical when you received letters, rather than texts or facebook posts. 

WHOO GIRLS.

Just saying...
Two girls days
In a row...
OH MY GOODNESS.
So wonderful,
and so great to be the antidote to the confusion I'm feeling.
(Thirty minutes of commentary? Yes please.)
Because, hey you.
You should listen to "My Dilemma" by Selena Gomez.
In the end she walks away.
And you're forcing me to do that.
Gee, thanks.

Instead of you....

This is Day 3.

And honestly, once sevenish hit, I expected to hear from you.

It's becoming routine.

And instead, 

A silly boy texted me,

Talking about swimsuits,

Traveling,

And hookers named "Chocolate Surprise"

Instead of you, 

A silly boy asked me to go to the movies.

I politely said not tonight.

Instead of you,

A silly boy is re-entering my life,

And our conversations don't waver anymore.

They stick to safe topics.

Like summer.

Instead of you,

A silly boy didn't have me in his phone,

And his silly personality just drips from every word that leaves his mind.

And we talk about bad driving habits.

Instead of your drama,

I sorta got to enjoy my evening.

Not saying that hearing from you would've ruined it,

But in ways I know this is how the story will end.

You're going to stop talking to me.

Why would you hold on to a friendship you hold dear.

Because you can't manage to hold on to the good things in your life,

Only the things that tend to tear it down.

So, until you plan on talking to me again.

Which could easily be tomorrow.

Have a beautiful life, sweetie.

In other words: 

Because I don't really want to end on that kind of negative.

Girls day? Check

So. Much. Fun.

Unicorns? Glitter? Awkwardness. Yoohoos? 

Yesyesyes.

Coffee with the Girls, Music Party? 

Ready to be checked off, baby. 

Let's hope so anyway.

:) 

I Should Really Stop Whipping My Hair

Rave party? 

On a Thursday night?

Yes, please.

Seriously though, it was a super blast.

Despite the awkward feel, and mix of people.

(Don't get me wrong. There was just a slightly off feel to it.)

It was so much fun.

I got to dance away stresses that I haven't been able to shake for quite some time.

I mean, who doesn't love a man creeper staring at you?

Come on kid, next time that happens, 

Just ask me to dance.

I will say yes...

And who does love a surprising success in DJing.

You'd have to be a loony not to appreciate the DJing last night. 

Seriously.

And who doesn't love being the little awkward one?

Who doesn't love getting cheer picked up to change the speed of the laser stars?

Who doesn't love being ditched for three hours, but then attached to for one?

Who doesn't love two wonderful girls who she's going to miss a lot?

Honestly, after everything that happened.

Every smile,

Every laugh,

Every moment I wanted to cry. 

So worth it.

Because when: 

-Stalling happens.

-Staring happens.

-Practicing drunken, slut-holding-drinks dancing happens.

-Liquid dancing happens.

-Chill time happens.

-Old people and feces are the worst things in slow motion.

-Chugging two soda's happens.

-Not having to take medication happens.

-Planning coffee dates happens.

Grief. 

You know it's been such a quality night.

At this point, though, I mostly just want to sleep.

WHOO.

Also :

I am super skilled at Zoo and Roller Coaster Tycoon.

Just sayin'.

Best. Day. Ever.

Thanks for even bothering to talk to him.
Thanks.

GRR

Have I ever mentioned that the only reason I want different eyes is to look prettier?

Like, everyone's all super pretty, and then there's me hiding behind the frames.

And I have some seriously pretty eyes. 

I've been noticing that more because of the hours upon hours spent attempting to contacts in.

But unfortunately, I suppose, I'm about to raise the white flag and forget it. 

Because here I thought I was going to wear them out dancing thursday.

And to my second job interview.

And you know. Tonight.

To a basketball game.

And heavens knows what else.

But now I'm done.

And I can't do it.

I don't care that solution was on my eye at one point. 

My eye doesn't open that big.

Whoops. Sucks to be me.

Mood of the Day: Irritation. 

Beeeeee Like a Glitter Cannon, babyyy!

If all goes well I'll have new eyes.

And if all goes well, I'll look a little bit different.

And if all goes well, these changes will be an advancement.

Rather than a set back.

The magic is getting to that point.

Because after staying up WAY to late.

And crying my way home,

And talking in a parking lot,

And eating ice cream,

And watching such a sad film,

And being disappointed, 

And the school ending,

Having to say mostly temporary goodbyes,

Risking losing friendships I would have like to kept.

I'm worn out.

So let the magic begin for today start in the ways of a glitter cannon, yeah?

THANK GOD FOR THEATRE.
THANK GOD.
THANK GOD.
THANK GOD.

I'M DONE WITH ALL OF THIS SPORTS CRAP.
DONE.
DONE.
DONE.

Did I just schedule a job interview?
Good heavens I did!

Joy.

On occasion I get stuck in the rain.
Get stuck in my car,
And laugh until I cry because I don't want to leave the dry for the wet.
I laugh because, well hey, I know the moment I open that door,
Any sense of warmth is gone.
I laugh after leaving my keys in the ignition.
I haven't laughed harder in a while,
Haven't laughing as joyously,
Haven't laughed as freely,
As I did today.
And although, I don't really know what the future holds.
This morning gave me the thumbs up.
The key to unlock what been messing me up so much.
Why, hello, happiness.
Glad to see you came back around.
Just in time too, I've been really missing you.
I'm done dwelling on heaviness.
Honestly, the silver hair that I pulled on Monday, was a sign.
The joy that I felt in the car was a sign.
The freedom that I keep tasting is a sign.
I'm going to be happy.
I'm going to love change.
I'm going to be well rounded.
I won't say no.
(Unless it's REALLY stupid.)
I won't back down.
I'll give my all.
I'll be the best I can be.
I better get started today, right now!
There isn't a moment to loose.

I really need something to push me out of this horrible mood I'm in.
I'm not really sure what got me to this point,
But I'm done.
I really am.
Just so you know.
(Thursdaycomenow.)

Click, click, clickity, click

I'm going to take a moment to gloat about myself for a moment.
Feel free to skip this post.
So last night, we (everybody pictured below minus one.) had our big end-the-dance-show performance.
Tapping.
After only thirteen weeks.
And we were met with enormous applause.
And as I was sitting there, in the final pose,
Absorbing the feeling,
Grief, it feels so good to be cheered for like that.
And with three dear friends in the audience.
Two members of my family sitting there,
Last night was honestly so worth it.
Now, all the drama to get there,
The fees,
The stress right before we went on,
Maybe not so much.
But once we finished and got set of finale,
It was a breath of fresh air.
A reminder that I have talent.
Maybe hidden deep inside, but it's there.
And like a dear friend told me on friday night,
"you have all the talent in the world. I can see it, you just need to."
I see it now.
Or a small portion.
Receiving loud applause when we bowed,
Getting flowers for the performance that we threw together.
It's all so worth it.
So, so worth it.
And those five others,
So much thanks to them.
You honestly saved me friday night.
Because I wanted to shut down.
I almost pulled out of my late night plans.
But I didn't, because I came home happy.
I couldn't me more thankful that you all aren't leaving.
Because... I need each and every one of you.
I really do.
Even the one that 'hates me'.
So yes, my weekend has been super fabulous.
My surprise is in orderish.
I have to plan, and practice, and create, and goodness, I have a lot.
But, the guns been shot and we're running now.
Which is awesome.
I have two college bound tests under my belt.
And I don't have to think about it again until September.
Which is awesome.
I officially know how to function without family.
Which... is less than awesome, but a skill worth having.
Tap went amazingly well.
I didn't fall lie I thought I was going too.
and I sorta, even made my kicks.
Which is SO awesome.
And today?
Today will be awesome.
Promise.

Also, on a smaller note,
The not-so-seniors:
You have been so close to me, and watching you spread you wings blows my mind.
You're all such wonderful people and it's really been an honor knowing you.
Even though it was during high school where people are ridiculously dramatic.
BUT! Hey, at least I got to know you.
Thank you, all of you, for leaving a tiny piece of you on me.
Forever I'll remember you.
Three months really isn't that long of a time. Really.
So lets make it worthwhile?
With all the love someone my size can hold,
(Which is a lot. Just so you know.)
JB

13 week tappers. All the boys would be jumping.
I'm so proud of us. Love forever and always.
This will be a treasured memory. 

I wish I were braver.
So I could simply be like,
"Hey. I need food. Join me?"
But heaven knows all these lines I must stay inside.

Sorry.
If this is how it's going to be,
Well, our future is going to fail.

So..
Out of everything to say to you, I mostly want you to know that you haven't left my mind.
But I'll never say anything.
I'll keep my distance.
That's the healthy thing to do.
But, you haven't.
Because I'm trying to break down what's really going on inside.
But I doubt that I'll ever know.

It's funny how I'm always longing for the fall.