Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

I think that I'm going to throw a small object.
But!
WE ARE TALKING.
Sorta.

I mean, slightly goofy texts,
and a awkward stare,
and the occasional hellos in the hallway,
and a teasing conversation leaving the review.

Just today.

WE ARE TALKING.

Why can't the next two weeks quite simple blur by?
Because I need to see what is on the other side.

Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

I hope I'm on his mind tonight. Even for a moment.
Because, I want this so badly.

Dear You.
Please let yourself be swept in that feeling.
I don't know what else to pray for anymore.
It's you.
Only you.
Three and a half weeks now?
It's been you.
I wake up.
You.
I eat lunch.
You.
I go to tech.
You.
I go to sleep.
You.
Let me hold your hand, and we can try this again.
Because it's you.

Oh Cloris.

I want to be Cloris Leachman.
Or related to her in some way.
Because she's cute, and sassy.

Or Mae West.
Because she rocked it.
And she was able to get her men.

I want to be able to dance in this rain.
But I currently don't have a reason to dance.

At all.

Whoo.

I can't wait until things in this crazy world die down.
Because.. everything I thought I had under control really doesn't want to seem to be the same any longer.

Win.

:(

Worry.

Waking up.

I'm starting a new push.
A wave.
Waking up early.
To exercise.
Or meditate.
And to start my day of right.

Wish me luck, I want to stick with this one.

Ground

I feel like one of those little pieces of dandelion that you blow on a make a wish.
I'm one of those little pieces.
Floating in the wind.
Ground me.
I want to feel the earth under foot once more.

Up, Up into Adulthood. Sorta.

I've done a lot, and I mean a lot, of thinking over the past couple weeks. I know I have these moments where I'm all "I've grown up. I'm going to be so much stronger!" I've never been stronger. More prepared, maybe, but rarely stronger. I hand out chances like free samples at Costco. I never want to see the bad in anybody, the faith that good is underneath is always there. That spark of naivety and innocence always gets me. It's stupid to see the same person in the same red alarm light, and handing them a second chance ticket. Or third. Or fourth. Or tenth. Or hundredth.

I know that I'm a beautiful girl with a happy personality. I'm surrounded by people who love me, respect me, need me, want me. My sisters of this electronic world love me. I love them. I have amounts of brothers that know the moment I'm falling. It's a wonderful thing. I know that I'm set for a positive and successful life. I know that high school is a hole that I have to climb out of, that no matter where I go for the next years of education, my future loves, my future life: I'm ready.

Because, I'm a stronger person. For real. 

Instead of handing out chances, I turned my back. I'm merely polite. 

We can be friends when he decides he wants my friendship. Not when he needs me. 

I won't pick up another phone call from him where he's crying. I won't stress over him, while he ignores me the next day. I won't hand him my heart and watch him stick it in a blender and press puree. 

Instead of waiting around for a man, I'm standing alone. 

Not in a 'don't come near me way', but in the, 'hey. I'm a babe. Sorry if that doesn't meet your standard.'

Because I'm special and I'm worth it. I'd make a pretty great girlfriend, but I'm cool being a good friend too. But I won't throw my whole world aside for you. Made that mistake already, and I don't want to do it again.

I'm growing up, and it's a wonderful feeling.

 

I shouldn't feel like I have to babysit you.
I shouldn't feel like crying when I make it out to my car.
I shouldn't have to be the bad guy.
I shouldn't have to bark at you.

Why are you making me feel like this?

Love/Hate

I love your eyes.
I think they are the prettiest blue I've ever seen.
I love how helpful you are.
And you aren't even on tech.
I love that you care enough to check in with me every half hour.
It means a lot that you care.
I love how you hug me.
It's a beautiful thing.
I love how you let me swear.
In fact, you think it's finny.
I love how persistent you are.
You silly, silly thing.
I love your angry noise.
It's actually really funny.
I love your smile. Like the legitimately happy one.
It's really pretty on you.
I love your obsession.
It always makes me laugh.
I love how you can't keep your hands out of your hair.
Euro couldn't be more entertaining.
I love how tickling is considered abuse.
That means your abusive.
I love how "women don't like getting hit"
Does that mean guys like it?
I love you.
A whole lot.


I hate that you are off task all the time.
I hate what a distraction you are.
I hate that you won't talk to me.
I hate that you've decided that you and I can't be friends.
I hate that she's a witch.
I hate that I'll give you yet another chance because of this silly faith.
I hate that you're such a moron.
I hate that I can't open up.
I hate that that you can't see.
I hate that it's cold outside.
I hate all the stress.
I hate that I feel like I need to cry.

What a day.

Alive!

I'm coherent again, which is pretty exciting. I mean, looking back at the things I liked this morning on facebook, and not remembering when I did that is pretty thrilling. But that's beside the point. 

Last night showed me what great people I have surrounding me. 

And to those of you, who dealt with my dizzy talk, or who walked me out of my mom's car -- 

I thank you. 

Because last night was for sure a dark night. (Yay?)

Without all your love and support, I would've just been laying in the green room, waiting for Superman.

In other news, 

I'm sorta excited that I'm missing at least through third period.

As much as I want to be in Euro, this might be some salt in the salt shaker.

Who knows. 

Same with fourth, buttttt I just don't want to have to do a P.E. makeup. Becauseeee I was legitimately going to make it without having to do so. Goshhh darn it. Anyone want to 'run' with me?

So. Yes. 

I can't think about much else to say.

Don't eat Starbusts if you aren't feeling well? 

Sweats are Gods gift to man?

Sprite is a beautiful drink?

God bless my saltines?

Amen to finally not spinning while looking at a computer screen?

Keep me in your thoughts today because I reallllllllly would like to be able to support out boys.

Go Josh! 

I support you! 

And so many others but I don't really know who else is in it.

I just know that Josh has been trying to sell me tickets multiple times. 

Sorry, Josh, I should have bought them from you. 

Maybe.

It's been a weekish.
(A little over.)
Since you kissed me.
Andddd I don't know.
I'm taking the advice from a friend,
A firend that I haven't talked to in a while,
He told me to wait it out.
To hang on.
But to live.
Because he's hung on,
And forgot to live.
And he misses what he could have had.
I don't want to miss.
I want to cling to these moment that make life worth living.
Hold on to that conversation about weapons,
The Assassians date,
The partner in tap,
Poking ego's in a hallway,
Bad movies,
Good movies,
Two hours over with the lil' sis,
Sleeping in with Little Man,
Talking about him ten feet away.
I won't forget to live,
I won't forget about you.
But until you (boy) decide what you're next move may be:
I'm not going to freeze.
There's too much life between then and now.
Catch me, I dare you.
Because I'm planning on soaring.

Maybe we can catch up then.
Maybe.
Like you told me,
One little word on the screen:
Maybe.

My maybe is a yes.
Is yours?

We may all still find it shocking,

But when a hottie does come knocking,

His actions will also come up short.

 Ah, but darling they come flocking

When they see my nylon stocking

And every man is just a trial in the court.

But I refuse to be left behind

I refuse the need to bump and grind.

I want a man, who’s tall and daring,

With this heart so full of caring

That he holds my hands, and makes me tea each day

I want him to kiss me

Always remember to call me

And loves me no matter what I weigh.

Sunshine

The sun came out today.
Warmed my skin.
Reminded me of why I like being happy.
Pulled me from a dark night.
Light at the end of the tunnel.
And I had really good day.
Minus the whole spinning world for several hours bit.
Anywho, today was sunshine.
In many way of the word.

Scared doesn't even begin to cover it.

So. I'm scared.
Legitimately in panic mode.
Because I'm scared of what tomorrow might hold...
...Or what it may -not- hold.
Any way you shake it, I'm scared for tomorrow.
Because I haven't done this crush thing in a while.
I've been pretty ... well, neural ...
And I let my walls down,
Said, "To heaven with it. I think I could like this one."

I forgot what pain liking someone was.
I got over the cute as of yesterday.
Got over the happy.
Now I'm just scared to see him.
And pretend like nothing happened.
Like I didn't open up.
Like he's been doing since I left his house.

Bah.

Ack. Boys.

Even Taylor Swift doesn't have a song to cover how I feel right now.

And it's fantastic.

Ready. Set. Go.

I want to blog about my trip and what I learned and all that.
Buttttt....that is going to have to wait until after:
A research paper.
A Euro themed take home test.
Scarlet Letter Thrillings.
French Review.

:)

Talk later? Yes.

Ahhhhh.

I really miss my cat right now. 

But it's okay.

Because Seattle is in my near future. 

Along with a movie.

And a dance.

And new clothes.

And a ridiculous amount of spending money that I was handed.

And I have sisters and brohas.

And they love me.

And I really couldn't thank them enough.

Because... today:

I got to watch how to install a break light.

I got to run around the mall with broha.

I got to see prom date.

I got to go crazy with Seester. 

We got coffee.

I drank legit-er coffee.

We skimmed Forever 21.

I got to come home to Man Cat.

He loves me.

Played SSB with Sister. 

Excited for tomorrow.

Despite the day, I'm missing my old friend and baby, and it's quite the damper.

Ah well. 

Take the sunshine and light out the spots of grey, I s'pose.

On an entirely different note, I really can't wait until I get a man.

Like more than Man Cat,

Because, while singing love songs to Man Cat is nice,

Being able to have a 'song' will make me happy. 

Because I'm already picking cute songs for a wedding playlist.

Plus, I need to hold some hands, and cuddle a little bit.

Look up: Perfect Two -- Auburn

It's the cutest thing I've ever heard.